If I could try to describe the way I feel it would be like
an egg without anything inside. Then imagine that same egg being put under
intense pressure. Smashed broken and shattered…. It’s like this feeling in the
center of my chest…. not physical pain…. but it just feels like darkness and
despair. I can laugh at things that make me laugh but it’s absent of
happiness…. I can’t genuinely smile at anything. I don’t appreciate or value
anything life has to offer.
The sunlight has become dull and gray and when it’s dull and
gray outside that is sunshine to me. A flower looks like a weed. Each second is
a reminder that I am further and further from the past. I’ve lost all zest for
living…. It just seems so dull to me….. There is also a rage that I hold back
the best I can. It’s the urge to literally destroy myself… each time I see
myself in a mirror this urge increases bit by bit.
Anytime I think about my reality it boils.
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